Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mouse's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, February 14th, 2001
10:40 pm	I'm not quite sure to start this, which is sort of odd. I've never been good at writing my feelings down though i'm told that i'm apparently very good at it, and it's probably the clearest way which i can write them down. Which is, again, rather odd, since i'm not so good at it. I've always been a little too stoic for my own good though ^_^ I had come into this log thinking to write it as a plea, from the viewpoint i normally take when two of my friends are arguing, from a helpful and attentive stance. I don't think it applies because it rarely works. I'm not a councellor (though, again, i'm apparently a good listener, though i have a hard time helping with that as well) and i'm not qualified on my own experiences to offer anything but the shallowest of advice. I've always known that and yet i normally storm in, bull headed, and do it anyways, usually ending up feeling pretty stupid for it and nothing more. So i think i'll do it differently this time. This is an open letter and those of you to whom its directed, you know who you are. This time i'm going to explain my viewpoint and thoughts on the matter, as best i can, to maybe give you a third party view of it. It certainly isn't the easier of options, but maybe it'll be a little more helpful to you all. I've been distant over the past, my own exploits on the internet have covered the gamut, most of them dazzling failiures, but a few good gems here and there. The crew on Innernet is the one that i really cherish most of all. You've been a safety net for me, people who i know i can go to and talk to without any fear of being made fun of or taken lightly; unless like most times that's what we're there for. I'm wandering. I've been distant in the past, but i've known that i can always go back to you guys, you're in fact some of my longest-standing friends around. I'm rather hard to get to know well in real life, just like sometimes online. I'm usually quite cheerful and that isn't really a shell, i'm just a touch cynical and mostly inured to the bad things that happen to me. Right now i have little plan for the future and am stuck in a rather deep rut, but i'm still in a fairly good mood. I really don't know why, i ought to be going stir crazy. Something tells me that perhaps that isn't a good sign. Each one of you, you know who you are, are part of what keeps me together, believe it or not. And the frightening thing about all of that is that these days i have a hard time talking to you. Except the most trivial of subjects, be they making video games or dreaming about what to do in the future, i have a hard time talking as i used to. Relationships change and i realize that, but i never want to see the day where i come online and i look at my list of friends on ICQ (If the bloody program worked right now) and realize that i haven't talked to them in a month and wouldn't know what to say to them. And what frightens me even more is that at times i feel just like that. I don't want to be distant, believe me. I'm not eloquent or elegant about expressing it, and i cant' say much other than the fact that i hate being so disconnected but find myself trapped there. I think that if we all look at how we've been over the past years, we've all gotten a strong friendship with each other. We have concern for how each other is doing. I don't know about you guys, but it's a daily thought in my mind, to wonder about how each of you are, and "woudln't it be cool if we could all meet and do..." and so on. I make friends rarely and when i do so i want them to last and be deep, meaningful friendships. You guys have succeeded in that, and that's something i don't want to lose for anything. I'm running out of words, i'd be running in circles. Looking back i don't know if this will help any, but i hope it does. We've all got choices to make about how we want our relationships with each other to be. I try to keep my choices conscious and clear, but sometimes they're hidden in amongst the daily mundane grind. It can be very hard to see them for what they are. Hope it helps. <:8 ~ (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 7th, 2001
6:45 am	A dream, before i forget Had a very vivid dream. Just woke up from it in fact, and it's kept me from falling back asleep - they do that to me sometimes. This one i want to get down before it's gone, as i never am able to keep them very long. I'm already losing some of the details, but i have the important points still. I was back at my parents, i think the general mood was that i was living there at the time. Though, i was still behaving as if i weren't, so it's hard to say. Doesn't really matter. Had a group of friends over (in the dream i know who they are but i have no idea really) and we were going to roleplay, in fact one of my other friends (someone else i din't know in real life) is getting them started up. At this point, i go to the garage to fix a door, of all things, and end up damaging it. This is where it gets wierd, because all of a sudden my Father is standing in the garage as well, and looking at a set of doors (i can recognize them as the doors to our house, both our old storm door and an old wooden one from downstairs, both of those doors were ones that we used to have while i lived there, and have since been replaced with nicer ones). He asks me "what's this?" I thought he was referring to the doors, and i explained. But he apparently meant one of the halogen bar lights on the roof, which is flickering and looks like its going out. (incidentally, i had a dream which focused on that light a few days ago, and this ream has jogged my memory of that fact. Wierd how deams are, eh? It isn't fair, they're ganging up on me) I odn't know why the light is going out and say so, but apparently this isn't good enough for him. He gets angry, very angry - this is still the wierd part, because my father *never* gets angry. He's never so much as raised his voice to me. The next part is a bit fuzzy in my memory, but i get annoyed enough that i storm out of the garage, and suddenly he's on the deck - our deck is a good six feet tall and has a high rail around it, so basically he's trapped up there unless he wants to go the long way around. So he shouts at me from up there how i should pay more attention and give the things in our house a little consideration, not be so lazy, blah blah blah. I'm pissed off enough that i storm around the deck to the main entrance, fully intent on going around to my room, locking it in his face and staying there - i don't need to take any of this bull, right? So I do. I'm thinking "I *do* give stuff consideration, i don't go around in a dreamworld ignoring things, he's got no right to say these things to me" . . things like that, but no swearing (for some reason my dreams never really involve any swearing) I get to my room and figure that's the end of it, because he's not going to pick my door lock - that's something i know he woudln't do. But the door won't close. There's something in the way. In fact, it's the cable to my printer, which is &*%$* broken as i type. And of course my father is coming downstairs, and i can hear him coming, shouting a steady stream of insults as he goes. At this point i'm shifting from angry to panicked, and i don't know why. The odd thing is that he comes in, and he stops shouting... asks why the door won't close. I tell him the printer cable's in the way. He says "it still isn't working?" and i say that it had a bad cartrige that i've replaced, and we have a little discussion about the condition of this bloody linux machine. I'm laying on my bed and he's got his arm around me, and my eyes were wet - i was upset to the point that i couldn't speak - but i coudlnt' cry more than that. That's where the dream ended, but oddly enough, it continued when i woke up for a bit.. my brain smoetimes does that, it's confusing and difficult to seprate daydreaming from the real thing. Basically my head took a re-wind back to where i went back into the house with him shouting at me, and didn't go in - i just kept walking. I was wearing my long green felt jacket and had my wallet and keys on me, so i guess i figured i'd go for a walk, and if i didn't cool down i'd cab it back to my apartment (that'd be one hefty cab fare).He followed and we stomped down the street a bit, him shouting at me and me shouting at him, and i turned around to him and explained exactly why i didn't need his abuse right now - i'm out of a job, my home business is struggling, and yes, Dad, i flunked out of university. That's what that letter from the Dean was about. So don't give me this, i don't need your abuse. I think that shut him up, but again, the dream ended. And it's unfortunately entirely true. Well, the geting the "Dean's Vacation" letter is. This past month has been nothing but frustrations, and that was the cherry on the icing, something to close January off. I won't be going back to finish my degree. I haven't told my parents yet because honestly i don't know how to break the news. Dad will take it in stride, he always does, but Mom i don't know - she's always reminding me that i have to go back next september to finish up and get my degree, even Dad's often saying the same. As if i'm going to forget that i'm enrolled or something, though i know why they do it. I was at my grandmother's when i read the letter and i couldn't tell them then - it'd break my granmother's heart, i'm sure of it. I'll tell them, probably when i call them next sunday. I just don't know how they'll take it. It's odd really. I've always had my head int he clouds to a degree but have always had my feet firmly planted - i don't believe in miracles happening, at least i don't expect them to happen to me. I know that the only time anything gets done is when you put in a hell of a lot of work, and maybe some luck, that's the only time you can expect miracles. Only we don't call those miracles, we call it success, or 'winning', or what the hell ever you want. Was my dad right in shouting at me that i had to get a good grip on reality? I play role-playing games and draw, a lot of my thoughts are devoted to fictional things that have no bearing on real life. Should i put Mouse into a gentle retirement and continue my life without her? I have an odd relationship with Mouse. She basically needs my brain to exist, and in return she's my entertainment when i'm bored, or even when i have better things to do. Is that straining my life and keeping me from concentrating on what i should be doing, getting an education? And if so, is that enough of a reason to put her down? To all my friends, don't worry about me too much. Next time you see me i'll probably be cheerful and pretty much the same as always - this isn't a show. That's just how i am, i'm a rather odd blend of realist and optimist. I don't have much of a safety net right now, i need to either get some money fast or get into school again to do some serious learning, at a community college hopefully, or maybe correspondence to get my MCSE or something like that. Either that or get a job, something to keep my 18 000 loan at bay. I don't want to get a job because if i do that then i'll be stuck there, at a low paying position probably, with no means to get out - i woulnd't be able to afford leaving, and wouldn't be able to afford school. That'd be ugly. But don't worry, i'll figure it out. Like i said, this isn't a facade or a 'brave face,' this is just how i am. You guys are the first to know that i won't be going back to finish my degree, so that ought to know to what degree i trust you all. I'll see you about online. . .at least once i figure out this linux crap. <:8 ~ (Comment on this)
Monday, January 29th, 2001
1:21 pm	No bugs! It looks like i won't be painting bugs after all. . . The guy has gotten some company down in Chicago to paint his bugs.... though i would've done a bloody better job, and it would've been cheaper too 8:P dammit. I wanted to paint those guys.. they're all creepy and insect-oid... like the movie Aliens but better, because they can be more colourful but just as evil. Dammit. On the other hand, he's gotten me to paint a Ravenwing army for him, which is good since it's easy as hell (they're black, with black highlights, duuh), there are few models (they're all vehicles of some kind), they're expensive as all hell to buy (and paint) and i can paint them all in under five days. And that isn't even working hard. Still, i was looking forward to painting bugs. Current Mood: stiff O_o ow! Current Music: Metallica. I.E. just background music (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 28th, 2001
12:08 pm	More Painting? Interesting. Another fellow wrote up saying that he'd like me to paint some 200 goblin figures for his army, and how long would it take, and could you please send pics of your work so i can see them? This is perfect, hell, i could do this for a living..... maybe i will.... Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 27th, 2001
3:29 pm	table! Aaron (my roomie) and i are making a table today... one of those sculpted tables for wargaming. Yes, i know it takes up a lot of room and is pretty useless... but they look nice and it was cheap to get, so i'm not complaining! It's a slow, dull day, still wondering what to do about employment... but i have a good amount of money in the bank, and all the bills are paid. I'm not worried. Maybe i'll start working on programs and shareware'm, how's that sound? Anyone reading this, if ya want to help gimme a call and we'll do something about it. Yeah, video games are possible, but i want to be serious about it. I'm willing to put in eight hours a day, since i have the time for it now O_o that's all for now ^_^ Talk at you all later. <:8 ~ (Comment on this)
12:55 am	The Immortal Halcyon, Beacon of Divine Light, Bringer of Death . . .and so on. One of the funner characters in the little comic i'm working on. Just saying that because i just did a spanky good picture of her, which will be up for a short while at http://www.ualberta.ca/~cpinnell/halcyon-colour.jpg. Get it while it's hot! (Comment on this)
Friday, January 26th, 2001
12:28 pm	a quick note well, feeling a little odd today. I finished work two days ago hoping to be able to get going on that big project for Shergold.... the one for big moeny, the one that would make all my little forays into the realm of computer programmer / designer / whatever. Just found out yesterday that he's now giving the contract to someone else. So now i'm out of a job and have no means of income until i get another job - and i guarantee it won't be as good as the job i got before. So, yeah, i'm a little pissed off. But oddly enough not extremely angry, like i was expecting it. Maybe just disappointed. In any case i'm taking a little bit of time off, going to see what sort of options i have, and the i'll move on and find myself a new job... preferably something that pays at least $8 an hour, and fits in the 9-5 timeslot. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: music? on this craptastic computer? (Comment on this)
Friday, October 27th, 2000
12:04 am	Happy Day I'm not sure if it *is* a happy day today or not, it just seemed like a good title for the journal entry - i read too many depressing entries in these things, and i try to give the overall impression that my life is pretty good, which it is ^_^ I can't complain. Reports on my little toy soldier army, i'm soon erady to go to the field! Six tanks! SIX! That's about five more than any regular army can field! I'm going to kick some ass! Steel Legion rock my world! And they're looking very good, i think, too, so no problem. Life otherwise is hectic, but well. Midterms are over, HUZZAH, which means i can breathe again!I think i did rather well, too, here's hoping! School is going swimmingly, and is very interesting, at least to me. It'd probably knock most people into a coma, but i like it, and that's really what counts, right? I find that i really like sedimentology... the science of dirt, really... looking at sedimentary structures and finding out what happened in the past which made them. Like a mystery... just written in dirt. Work is going good as well... though Devin, our new part timer, is really starting to piss me off. He's . . . well, he's 15. That ought to explain it. He thinks he's a skin head. . . shaves his head, talks about beating people up all the time, cocky, and has a rather harsh sense of humour. . . trouble is, he's trying to be a nice guy, and i hav to give him credit for that... he's just not used to working in an adult environment. I'd hate to see him lose his job, he just loves it and he loves the hobby, and that's all that's *really* required... he just needs to drop a lot of the attitude. But as i'm sure all the readers will know, asking a teenager to drop his attitude is like asking a cop to drop his pants. No way it's going to happen, and you're probably going to get in a lot of trouble. We'll see what happens, but it's going to come down to him learning the ropes, or losing his job, one or the other. I hope he makes the right choice. Other than that. . . no worries! All is well in the Mouse House. Now, off to building Chimers and other fun tanks with me, the glories of the battlefield await! Current Mood: busy! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 11th, 2000
11:02 am	God Damn It O_o See the subject for my current mood. Which is an odd thing, as i've been having an overall good day. I just got an eMail from my business partner. He's pissed off at me because i haven't made a Microsoft Access database for his VBasic video playing software we're using on the website. Even though he knows that i don't own Access, and probably can't even run the thing on my computer. I have no idea why he assumed i was supposed to be the one making the bloody thing - he's the one that's taken a course on how the software works, why doesn't he make it? It's not like he has a job or goes to university, or does anything other than sit on his ass. As you can tell, i'm a bit pissed off at him, no doubt as much as he is with me. Such is miscommunication and misinformation. The site is due Friday and there's still major functionality missing from it. Wonderful, no? I work 14 hour days when you ocmbine everything, i don't think i'm going to be able to squeeze in anything else, much less learning how to make a damned ACCESS database. Other than that i'm rather well. Must go, class starting. <:8 ~ (Comment on this)
Friday, October 6th, 2000
9:34 pm	Back I'm back! Been a while since i've posted no? Only a short one unfortunately as i have two lab reports and a tonne of website work to do, and two labs to prepare for tomorrow. Gads, i'm tired! To make things short, i'm pissed off as hell at my business partner and may be turfing him for being a lazy, useless piece of crap.... school is going okay and work is going along swimmingly, but i fear for my soul when midterms arrive O_o But let's hope things go well! The deadline for my website is the end of this week, so not a lot of time to spare! Wish me luck, and i'll write again then, i hope! <:8 ~ Current Mood: industrious! Current Music: "Minefield" - The Matrix Soundtrack (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 12th, 2000
11:10 pm	Etch-a-Sketcha Short entry today. Made good headway into VC++, completed little etch-a-sketch program. Fun fun! Have to find out how to clear the screen and other things. I'd like to turn it into a little ascii map that you can run around in, i'll have to change the map matrix substantially for that. But it works right now, and that's good. Good headway for two hours. Now, 13 hour day tomorrow, so sleeping is probably imminent. See you later! (Comment on this)
Friday, September 8th, 2000
5:53 pm	The Latest Entry It's hard to keep this thing updated every day! In any case, here's a new entry. I'm now working at least 13 hour days when you add university into it, and weekends i get to relax with only 8 hours a day.... aah, comfort and relaxation. Aaron is now moved in , and he's now moving stuff around in the living room (i.e. his big stereo!) and settling in. Good good! The place is amazingly clean once more after my brother left, and we're going to keep it that way. That is, if i keep my sanity! ack! Just heard from Dennis that a bunch of the guys in #Midnight want to come over here and start up a video game company. I would love to do that! I really hope to talk to them all soon, 'cause i would love to organize something like that. We all have the potential, and we have good ideas. All we need is some impulse and we're set! Talking hopeful though. Most of da guys don't have much money to speak of. If you're reading this, guys, i'll help! I can find you good places to stay - on my couch! I'll put ya up 'till you get a job and some income, honest! I'm making enough right now that i can do that sort of thing, and i'd be more than happy to, just so you all could come here and party it up a bit ^_^ I'd also like to get some stuff done on the 'net in lieu of that. I realize that chances are they won't come over here. We shoudl be able to do a fairly large amount of development over the phone and IRC. Dennis has a good idea for a nice starter game. . . Other things in my life? Well, starting university this week, what a pain in the ass. I'mb arely squeezing in all my labs, my classes and 40 hours a week at work O_o pain in the ass! But good fun, good fun. Right. Just keep saying that and maybe it'll turn out to be true. . . On the plus side, i can now technically post to the 'Cuda about once every day now! Kick ass! I'm really happy to be able to get into that again. Now that i have time set aside for it, i'll be able to give it the attention it deserves. Also get to draw a little. The video game with Paul and Shades (and maybe the other #Midnighters!) is going quite well, we're getting into the minutae of the storyline now. Helllllp! tooooo much! But lots of fun ^_^ And that's about it for me today! <:8 ~ (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 24th, 2000
9:59 pm	A Short Entry Same complaint one day later. Andrew was over until 2.30 am last night (even though i told him to leave at six in the evening). I wouldn't make much over it except for the fact that I had to do a 12 hour stint at work (open to close) the next day, i.e. today. I got about two hours of sleep. And now i have to do more work on this website. He knew that too. I'm feeling a smidge under-appreciated. Either that or over-worked. Probably both. Regardless, next time he comes over i'm going to say flat-out "no" when he says he *has to* come over for a meeting.And then i will sleep the sleep of the dead O_o much like i am at this moment. Ja Ne Mouse (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 21st, 2000
10:18 pm	Damn website Just typing this in as i update my client's website. He's having a pissy fit, so i'm getting the whole damn thing hardlined in stone at the moment. got to do a little tour right now. Yee-haw. Annoying people are annoying. But at least i'm busy as hell, and that's okay - i don't mind hacking out a whole website in a night just to calm down a whiny client, in fact it's great - bring it on. Gets the damn thing done faster. Other than that, things are going well. Yay Windows Programming, API! Current Mood: busy (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 20th, 2000
11:08 pm	waaaaaagh! Hey all, just got back from a long staff meeting. I went in there with a bit of trepidation, but it went really well, was good fun, and my new manager really did his job - we're all motivated as hell. Not that that's such a hard thing to do. I mean, my job is, quite literally, to play games with people and paint little toy soldiers. No joke! But there's a lot more than this, there's as much "work" as there is "game" in Games Workshop (that's where i work). We spent three hours just talking about The Zen of the Intro Game, and i'm going to kick *everyone's* ass. Then again, i get sort of worked up, but that's the idea, right? What's more exciting - "Okay, you need three's to hit.... oh! you got two! now you need fours 'cause you're so damn strong", or "you hit two of my space marines, but these guys aren't just regular humans, not at all! they're genetically engineered killing machines, they've got two hearts, they've got a third lung, they've been training with their boltguns since they were old enough to pick it up, they can live in hard vacuum, you're going to have to get fours to be able to cut down these hard-ass bitches!" Well, minus the "bitches" but you get the idea. Other than that, all is well ^_^ Need to paint a statue i bought, it's dead gorgeous. Hope to get scans of it when it's done. That's all. Current Mood: buoyant (Comment on this)
Friday, August 18th, 2000
10:10 am	Long Day Hello all! It's been a little while, but i've been quite busy, so that's my excuse! Visited the BDC and they (unsuprisingly) said no, we aren't giving you half a million dollars. They did, however, point us in the direction of how to get more money, and so we're busily doing that. The other projects are going along swimmingly as well, no complaints other than the usual (make them leave my house!) sort of thing. All well and good! I do wish, however, that i had a bit more time to post to my sims. The Barracuda is being especially neglected, and i love the game a lot, it's just that i can't really find anyone to interact with! Also, just finding the time to sit down and write a good long post is getting difficult. Ah well, here's hoping that once the new semester comes around then it won't be so difficult. I'm a bit busy, so i'll have to leave it at that for now. Rush rush rush! Current Mood: busy (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 12th, 2000
9:56 pm	Oroooooo Rather unventful day. My meeting with the BDC (Business Development Bank of Canada) looms. We could get up to $300 000 to start up, my goodness! Scary, no? But all is well over here... registered for university, work is going along swimmingly (despite nagging doubts in my head about the new manager disliking me O_o) and our business is going along rather well. On top of that, i may have just drafted a new member for our little computer RPG development group, Nathan! He's really enthusiastic, and i think he'll give us the impetus we need to really get rolling! All for now. Must stop pizza from burning in oven. <:8 ~ (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 10th, 2000
1:05 am	Been a few days since i've posted, my apologies ^_^ I'm rather tired tonight as well, because my business partner was over once again for a 'very important meeting' . . it's getting to be like the Boy who cryed Wolf. He just wants to come over and drink beer and smoke like a chimney, and uses the excuse of, "we have to talk about [insert important thing here]". All fair and good, but when he shows up he says "let's go get some refreshments" and i think, "great. it's not even 5 and i won't get back to what i was doing until midnight, at least." Lo and behold, it's 1 am and they just left 15 minutes ago or so. I'll be up another hour doing laundry and other things i had intended to do this evening. Why is it that any day i happen to have a few minutes to myself, he has to call and fill it up? I like him coming over and it's not that he isn't my friend, it's just getting annoying that he springs it on me as something very important, so that i have to clear up my schedule for it. Headaches for mouse O_o Speaking of that sort of thing, he's really gotten me up in a hard spot with regards to what i'm going to do with myself. He really wants our little joint business to fly, for real - as in, he wants me to leave school and my part time job to do it with him. I want to do it as well, but i don't want to risk everything on it - but he isn't looking for another job, he really wants this thing to go. A lot of my friends suffer from indecision when it comes to what they want to do in life - i dont' think you ever really lose that. I have all these options and i don't know if i want any of them. I know that i certainly don't want any one entirely over the others. But i'm babbling. Looks like the predicted thunderstorms have buggered off, which is sort of disappointing. I'd also like to get some good painting done as well, maybe i'll be able to on friday.. heaven forbid i get to do something i want on my day off. I hope that this posting finds all of my friends well and happy, and that i hear from you all soon. <:8 ~ Current Mood: calm Current Music: Tchaikovsky (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 3rd, 2000
11:22 pm	My Cat Ate My Log Name Not much to say today. The in-store competition went well, lots of fun for everyone (even i enjoyed it, though i'm glad it's over) - Doug won. He was thrilled ^_^ Nothing much else to say.... i'm tired and i want to paint or draw or something, but not so inspired. Bleah. Tomorrow i go to Doug's (yeap, the same doug) with Shades and Devin, and Paul if he wants to go, to play a big campaign. Haven't played in awhile, ought to be good. C'est ca. (Comment on this)
1:49 am	make them leave. . . O_o zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ((you know you won't be getting to sleep when you planned to when your two friends come over carrying a case of beer a half hour before bed-time, unannounced)) (Comment on this)